First, I would like to begin with a book recommendation. ::checks over shoulder:: Is anybody looking? No? Ok, good! The Book is called Stuff White People Like, and it is available at the Jacksonville Public Library. (All copies are currently checked out, for obvious reasons.) The book presents 150 things white people like, each with a short explanation. It was written by an authentic White Guy. Let me just share with you a couple of entries I have read so far:
5. Farmer's Markets
White people are drawn to Farmer's Markets like moths to a flame.In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables. (Hmmm, I think I qualify as a provisional Caucasian based on this one.)
8. Barack Obama
White people like Obama because they are afraid that if they don't, they will be considered racist. (All the old folks nudging me at the library are proof enough of this.)
One of my coworkers ordered this book, and I borrowed her copy and have been stealthily reading at home. I feel like I need to cover it with brown paper, and I have begun responding with, "What?! A white person gave it to me!!" whenever someone asks me how my day was. It is hilarious in a very politically incorrect fashion. I shared it with Michaela when we went out to dinner, and we had a good laugh. Subsequently, to even things out she asked me whether you could actually see colored tattoos on colored folks, and I told her about Mom's coworker with Woody Woodpecker on her neck. (This was after I posed a question about a madman threatening you with death or the tattoo of your choice, which he would immediately apply.[I chose a yellow duck.] And before you ask, eating jars of mayonnaise was not presented as a third option.)
In closing, please, have a heart and read this book so I can have someone to discuss it with. I am only a quater of the way through, but the silence is already killing me.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Contagion- It's Not Just For Tuberculosis Anymore!
So yesterday, I had a hot date with Michaela. We actually hadn't seen each other since the spring, though we have been making tentative plans to get together for a while, and then canceling them for one reason or another at the last minute. Michaela is one of my few freshman year friends who is still in town, and one of only two that i still keep in touch with. She finished her undergrad in May, and now she is pursuing her MBA. After she is finished, it will just be me and Kendra! But once again, I digress. (That seems to happen more and more as I approach retirement age...)
So anyway, hot date. We went to Pizza Hut and did what people do there, then stayed for a couple more hours just catching up and chatting. (Obviously, you miss a lot in six months.) It was funny, because when it got to be about 10:15, we started wondering if the place was closing, and if maybe we were the only thing keeping the employees from going home. I wouldn't expect them to close that early on the weekends, but we were the only people in there, and you never know.
There were cards from this trivia game for customers to amuse themselves with after all possible conversational topics had been exhausted, so by the start of hour three we had resorted to these. We were quizzing each other on amazingly obscure facts, and berating each other for our respective lacks of knowledge, when a girl walked by, sweeping the floor.
I believe at this time, Michaela was mocking me for not knowing the answer to some "amazingly simple" question. The memory is so traumatic that I have partially blocked it, so I can't be entirely sure. As I was wringing my brain for the answer, the girl said, "Is it gumbo?" Indeed, it was.
Then she said, "We're so glad you guys are here."
My first thought was that this was sarcasm, and I was preparing my, "Are you closed? I'm so sorry. We can't read. We were having an intervention for my life-threatening drug problem, and she was finally getting through to me. We're going to be gunned down as soon as we leave the building, and we're just cherishing these last moments of life. Insert other heart-wrenching tale that excuses our inconsideration."
But then she said, "You guys have been sitting over here, laughing and having fun for all this time. It's bringing up the mood in this place just having you here!"*
We didn't really know how to respond to that, but we promised to keep up the merriment as long as possible. We actually ended up staying for about another hour, then it was time for old ladies to get their rest. But that made my day. Who knows when, by just being your normal, spastic self, you could be adding some joy to someone else's life?
*Paraphrased. I really can't remember what she actually said, but you get the drift. Happiness. Contagious. Dig?
So anyway, hot date. We went to Pizza Hut and did what people do there, then stayed for a couple more hours just catching up and chatting. (Obviously, you miss a lot in six months.) It was funny, because when it got to be about 10:15, we started wondering if the place was closing, and if maybe we were the only thing keeping the employees from going home. I wouldn't expect them to close that early on the weekends, but we were the only people in there, and you never know.
There were cards from this trivia game for customers to amuse themselves with after all possible conversational topics had been exhausted, so by the start of hour three we had resorted to these. We were quizzing each other on amazingly obscure facts, and berating each other for our respective lacks of knowledge, when a girl walked by, sweeping the floor.
I believe at this time, Michaela was mocking me for not knowing the answer to some "amazingly simple" question. The memory is so traumatic that I have partially blocked it, so I can't be entirely sure. As I was wringing my brain for the answer, the girl said, "Is it gumbo?" Indeed, it was.
Then she said, "We're so glad you guys are here."
My first thought was that this was sarcasm, and I was preparing my, "Are you closed? I'm so sorry. We can't read. We were having an intervention for my life-threatening drug problem, and she was finally getting through to me. We're going to be gunned down as soon as we leave the building, and we're just cherishing these last moments of life. Insert other heart-wrenching tale that excuses our inconsideration."
But then she said, "You guys have been sitting over here, laughing and having fun for all this time. It's bringing up the mood in this place just having you here!"*
We didn't really know how to respond to that, but we promised to keep up the merriment as long as possible. We actually ended up staying for about another hour, then it was time for old ladies to get their rest. But that made my day. Who knows when, by just being your normal, spastic self, you could be adding some joy to someone else's life?
*Paraphrased. I really can't remember what she actually said, but you get the drift. Happiness. Contagious. Dig?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I Think I Hear an Owl....
In case you hadn't noticed, it is nearly 5 am. Why am I awake, you ask? Blame the folly of youth. While struggling to stay awake until a respectable hour (read: after 10pm) like a girl of twenty instead of a hag of ninety-six, my body gave up the fight with fatigue and took a nice two hour cat nap on the couch. Which meant that I woke up at 12am. So of course, I am awake and chipper at the moment. Unfortunately, no one else is, so it's kind of lonely. Is there anyone alive out there (out there)? Can anyone hear me (hear me)?
I'll take that as a no.
COME ABOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUTTT!
I'll take that as a no.
COME ABOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUTTT!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Beverage Incident
So a few nights ago, a few friends from church and I went to Starbucks. Now normally, I would rather sip on a nice refreshing glass of water, but I didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb, so I ordered a hot chocolate. The night proceeded without further incident.
Well, when I told my coworkers about this event, they were shocked and somewhat disbelieving. You see, I always drink water with lunch, and even when we go out after work, h2o is my beverage of choice. They demanded pictorial evidence of this allegedly flavorful beverage, which I was unfortunately unable to supply. Still, my weekend escapades were profiled in our newsletter, which goes out to everyone who works at our branch.
Fast forward to yesterday. It was my night to work late, which is the only time I really get to talk to Tonya, since she works 5-8 every night. It was actually pretty slow, so we were just checking in books and chatting. Then, I remembered that I hadn't told her about my visit to Fusion. Eagerly, I said, "Tonya, guess what I did last night?"
Bracing herself against the wall, Tonya said, "Don't tell me you had another beverage. My heart can't handle the shock."
Some people are so dramatic.
Well, when I told my coworkers about this event, they were shocked and somewhat disbelieving. You see, I always drink water with lunch, and even when we go out after work, h2o is my beverage of choice. They demanded pictorial evidence of this allegedly flavorful beverage, which I was unfortunately unable to supply. Still, my weekend escapades were profiled in our newsletter, which goes out to everyone who works at our branch.
Fast forward to yesterday. It was my night to work late, which is the only time I really get to talk to Tonya, since she works 5-8 every night. It was actually pretty slow, so we were just checking in books and chatting. Then, I remembered that I hadn't told her about my visit to Fusion. Eagerly, I said, "Tonya, guess what I did last night?"
Bracing herself against the wall, Tonya said, "Don't tell me you had another beverage. My heart can't handle the shock."
Some people are so dramatic.
Monday, September 15, 2008
New Small Group
Today I visited a new small group named Fusion. Yes, this is the one I was going to visit last week, but didn't because I was sick. As I jokingly told Tonya, I guess I am just destined to be a member of a men's bible study, as this group was five guys and me. Well, perhaps I can convince Kendra to join me. Or start pricing that gender reassignment surgery. Whatever it takes to fit in!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Are You Ready For Some JESUUUUUS?!
So, today I realized that I have missed a WHOLE MONTH of football. How did this happen? Apparently, I am more oblivious than I appear. How long have I been waiting, nay agonizing, for the start of the glorious football season? And I missed it by a month?! Well, at least it was just the preseason.
Today, I made my official return to church. I went last week, but I just went with Kendra and didn't greet. This week, I officially rejoined the greeting team. It was SO good to be back. I hadn't realized how much I missed everyone, and just getting together and worshiping/fellowshiping as a group. I have missed that feeling of connection. And good things are happening on the greeting team. We have grown a lot in my absence! Now we have more than enough people, and we are really focusing on getting to know each person that comes through the door, which is how church should be! A shout out goes to Mom for convincing me to return.
Today, I made my official return to church. I went last week, but I just went with Kendra and didn't greet. This week, I officially rejoined the greeting team. It was SO good to be back. I hadn't realized how much I missed everyone, and just getting together and worshiping/fellowshiping as a group. I have missed that feeling of connection. And good things are happening on the greeting team. We have grown a lot in my absence! Now we have more than enough people, and we are really focusing on getting to know each person that comes through the door, which is how church should be! A shout out goes to Mom for convincing me to return.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
How it All Started
One day, a young girl was skipping through a meadow. She was fairly content, but her life was not quite complete. She had an apron full of acorns and a heart free of troubles- what more could a young girl want?
As she was pondering this question, the clouds parted, and a deep, official sounding voice proclaimed, "If you blog it, they will come."
The girl said, "God, is that you?"
There was a long silence.
Long story short, the voice was not God. But the idea had already taken root, so the girl abandoned her acorns and sprinted to the nearest internet cafe, where she dashed off the first entry on her newfound blog.
Pressing the "publish" button, the girl felt complete, and she knew that her life would never be the same again.
This is her story.
::applause::
As she was pondering this question, the clouds parted, and a deep, official sounding voice proclaimed, "If you blog it, they will come."
The girl said, "God, is that you?"
There was a long silence.
Long story short, the voice was not God. But the idea had already taken root, so the girl abandoned her acorns and sprinted to the nearest internet cafe, where she dashed off the first entry on her newfound blog.
Pressing the "publish" button, the girl felt complete, and she knew that her life would never be the same again.
This is her story.
::applause::
